September 3rd
September 3rd. I’m weird with dates. My mind definitely works on some kind of internal calendar system. I can feel the season’s change in my skin, my bones, my heart. I think I’ll always remember September 3rd. And with good reason. A year ago today was an extremely pivotal day for me. It was a day that sparked and perpetuated a period of necessary self-discovery.
The words “maybe we just need a break” never roll off the tongue smoothly, and never come with any great ease. And I think back to how I felt then. How I tried to register and process this feeling of heartbreak for the very first time at 19-years-old. Confusion, hurt, self-pity, self-loathing, anxiety, depression - I experienced all of those and then some. Looking back, though, I’ve identified one tidbit that I don’t think I ever took into account, amidst my crumbling state, was how incredibly difficult this must have been for her, too. I was so entirely self-absorbed in my own little world with all of the above said “side-effects” of heartache, if you will, that I never let myself view things from the other side of the track.
September 3rd. A time period I would never wish for my greatest enemy to ever have to endure a second of. Now, you may be feeling at this point that I am overdramatizing and saying, “Oh, it’s just a teenage break up, it happens…” and so on and so forth. But you weren’t there and you’re not me. If you have ever experienced anything vaguely familiar to my situation, you know exactly what I mean. If you haven’t, you will. Trust me.
I became a different person after September 3rd. I was turning to friends and family for solace and advice for the first time, whereas I had always been there as the voice of reason for them. That was one of the first lessons I learned. The tables can turn at any instant and you will find yourself in an opposite state than what you are accustomed to.
The days went by slowly. I don’t think I left my couch for three weeks. Just waiting by the phone, hoping any second it would ring and it would be her with tears in her voice saying, “This is stupid, I miss you. Come back.” That’s when I learned that watching romantic comedies during a break-up period is never in your best interest. Life will never play out quite perfectly as a movie script does.
I can honestly say there were days where I would wake up and not know if or how I was going to make it through the day. I just didn’t see any breach of this thing. I had so many people trying to help me out, too. But I shut them all out. Which isn’t rude or selfish - it’s fine. Mental pain and severe heartache are far more excruciating than any physical pain you can imagine. But heartbreak must heal, like anything, on its own and with time. It is definitely unbearable to watch someone you care about suffer, and taken my state, I can only look back and be thankful for those who were there for me then. In essence, I was a wreck. My family, my friends, her family, her friends - they could all attest to that. And that was the next lesson I learned. No matter how you’ve chosen to shut them out and not heed their advice, there are and will always be people who care about you. This is something I have only begun to realize recently.
But you’re not going to want to heed their advice anyway. And you’re not going to want to have to accept the words “move on” until you’re actually ready to. All of which are completely and totally fine. You’re meant to be a miserable, cranky a**hole. Embrace it. I call this the “‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card” period. You don’t think anyone could ever understand this exact type of pain you’re enduring. I couldn’t believe others and I would get almost offended when they would lay on thick layers of advice. How could they EVER understand what I am going through!? And the answer is they do. They’ve been there. And, now, so have I. I know this now because in the period between these two September 3rd’s, I have had to be the one to console a friend or two in their battle. To be a crutch, but hold back just enough and let them heal on their own.
One thing you have to know is that you can’t run from your feelings. You need to accept them for what they are. If you’re hurt, you’re hurt. There’s no debating that. The only thing that got me off that couch was the fact I had to go back on tour for two more weeks. Being away from home and out of your element when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and watch re-runs of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is a total reality check. I began to see the business side of music better then. Work was work. Whether I was in an office cubicle, waiting tables or on the road. Physicality and distance plays no part in healing quicker. It followed me to California. I spent a good deal of the month of Novemeber in Los Angeles, and then a little time in San Diego. Didn’t change anything. It will follow you everywhere. Anyway you think you are going to expedite the process of healing won’t work, I promise. It is and always will be just time.
I am writing this from a place of healing, maturation and growth. I used to wonder where I would be a year from that day. Now I know. Still standing. Well, sitting. And on the same couch that I had trouble getting off of for those three weeks. I used to be so angry. Angry at her, angry at myself, the world - you name it, I was angry at it. I’m not angry anymore. In all honesty, meeting and dating her was one of the best things to ever happen to me. No one will ever be able to take those happy times away from us. And make no mistake, no one is going to be able to take away the difficult times either. That’s all part of the enduring that no one can scathe by.
I make no promises about the future. For you or for me. Oh, you’re going to have your September 3rd one day. Maybe it’ll be October 12th or March 21st. And, yeah, it’s going to hurt. More than you can imagine, too. “Quick and painless” do not exist in the realm of a break-up, for either side. You’re not going to wake up one day and it’ll suddenly all be over. 4 weeks, 6 months, 8 months, a year. You’ll heal on your own time.
I’m sorry I don’t have the storybook ending for this one. And I don’t know much more further than this about the future. All I could ever want her to know is that she is still an amazing person and I am better for having known her. I know we’ll both be alright.
I am not the person I was a year ago. Nor was I meant to be.
- Corey