“Who?” vs. “What?”
So, I’ve been doing some real soul searching lately. Looking back on where my life was and where it is now, for the last year and a half alone, really gives true meaning to “living and learning”. I’ve found that self-discoveries are not something that come like a light bulb suddenly illuminating above your head. In fact, they often come weeks or even months after something crucially considered occurs. For example, I never knew that I wanted to do music for the rest of my life the day I picked up a guitar. I didn’t know a year later, or even five. I think I began to “find myself” as a performer when I was 15 or 16, going out to weekly open mics at coffee houses and bar-restaurants around Long Island, signing up, and singing in front of perfect strangers. Things kind of snowballed from there. I was booking shows, pushing my own tickets, marketing myself, writing a record, tracking the record, putting out the record, marketing the record, playing bigger shows, playing out of state shows, playing sold out shows, opening for national touring acts locally, touring with national touring acts nationally - I could go on forever, but I was making pretty good time for an 18-year-old kid on the path to a career. And I was also having a great time doing it, and I still am - nearing 20.
But this isn’t about “my music career - (so far…)”. That is just an example of persistent change over an eighteen month period and where along the lines I learned a little something that pushed me to the next step. It’s funny how you can look backwards and only remember some of the cherished memories. It’s when I dissect who I was a year and a half ago that I realize all the lessons I had to learn along the way. All the people I’ve met. The floors I’ve walked across. The stages I’ve stood upon. The hands I’ve shaken. The pictures I’ve captured. The people I’ve accepted. The people I’ve rejected. The heart I broke. The heart of mine that was broken. The flights I’ve caught. The appointments I’ve made. The choice to leave some place. The choice to return to a place I once left. No matter who you are, you’re going to learn lessons along the line. Good or bad, they are all components that will make you who you are throughout and up to the very end of your life.
Self-discovery. It’s not really a question of “Who am I?” as much as “What makes me?” What have I discovered about myself? Well, we covered the music thing already. So, I’m an artist. A self-proclaimed one, but an artist at best. I’m a son. And a brother. I’m fairly independent. I’m definitely a romantic. And not the Hollywood-ized, “Prince-Charming-riding-in-on-a-white-horse, here-to-whisk-you-away-forever-and-ever” kind of romantic. More like a “It’s 3 AM, and you can’t stop crying because you don’t know why. ‘I’ll be right over.’” kind of romantic. Like the “Hey it’s Friday night and everybody’s out, but we’re in sweatpants on my couch having more fun than all of them combined” kind of romantic. Now, that kind of romanticism obviously needs to live in a world that exists between two people. Therefore, the relationship must have begun already. That is, if you’re open to it. Let’s rewind for a second. So, if I’m right (and I hope I am!), that means in order to get to that stage of comfort with someone, you would therefore have to get to know them on a more personal level. And under the surface we go!
So, what is it that you want? This varies from person to person, obviously. I’ve chalked it up, thus far, to “What do you search for?” vs. “Who do you search for?” Are you looking for a boy or a girl? Are they White? Black? Green? Are they plus-size, stick figure thin or do they fall somewhere in the middle? The interesting thing about all the above said qualities, is that they are all things neither us nor they can really control. I was born a white male. Something I had literally no control over. I was raised in a suburb on Long Island, a southeastern island of the state of New York which is just one of fifty states that make up the United States of America. Being raised here was not my choice. I was raised Catholic, though I am currently non-practicing. The country and area I live in is predominantly white-Christian. Once again, something I have no control over. I think you’re starting to get my point. I, and everyone else living on this Earth, are a result of circumstance for those things in which we cannot control. I am a result of the patterns of movement made by my ancestors that scale back centuries. And, ironically, these things that we have no control over are currently issues concerning some of the biggest social conflicts in the world.
Race. Creed. Sex. Locale. They make us different. They make us unique. Beautiful.
When the time comes for me to find a mate, ideally, I want her to be the farthest thing from me. I don’t want to marry someone who is so incredibly similar to me that we do everything alike. (Listen to the same music, like the same sports team, watch the same TV shows, eat the same foods) I want to gain from that person, appreciate their culture and learn from their livelihood. And I want to love them for who they are based on these components, not just love them for who they are. Are you following me? All I’m saying is if we are victims of our own circumstance, then we shouldn’t shut out people and opportunities based on “difference”.
Have you ever heard about some place you’ve never seen before? Some place you’ve never been? And you had this whole big picture in your head of exactly what it would be like, every little detail about it. Then you get there and it’s completely different, but not necessarily for the better or the worse. If you are one of those people who think you have it all figured out in your head and you’re gonna go to this school for so-many years and graduate with this degree and buy that house in this area and marry this “type of” girl/guy and have these many kids and that’s just how it will go, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Life doesn’t work like that. Nor does it conform in order to satisfy your every wish, hope and dream.
Personally, I feel this “ideal life”, this target system people have, is ultimately limiting. It is, in essence, deciding and dividing what you “like” and “don’t like”. You are taking a stance and making a statement. You have made up your mind before you even hit a topic. This scenario can be extremely limiting when finding a mate. Almost similar to the high school football player who only goes for the hot, blonde cheerleader and mentally blocks out the geeky brunette with the glasses in the AV club who could potentially be everything he needs. Socially? The jock and cheerleader work. But what is social status anyway? Just another man-made system in order to divide and separate people based on “differences”.
My mom told me this once: “No matter what she looks like, or what you think of her at first, always give a girl AT LEAST that one chance to sweep you off your feet.” Too many people, and I include myself in this, just write people off and block them out as quick as a second’s glance. Someone you pass while out in public. Someone you know literally nothing about, not even their name. You write them off. You mentally tag them. “Fat.” “Jew.” “Drunkard.” “Slut.” “Illegal.” “Ignorant.” “Poor." You know nothing about them. Not one thing. And already you’re throwing up one hand, turning your head as you close your eyes, saying "Nope. Not interested."
We have so many opportunities in this world to say "no”. But an even and equal amount to say “yes”.
I dedicate this to my Grandmother, Sarah Crawford. Someone who I had no control over having in my life, but I am thankful everyday and am forever be blessed to have had. R.I.P. 3/1/20 - 12/1/10