Ahh, a nicely posed question. I’m going to answer the second question first because of the timeline correlation. I grew up listening to bands like Blink 182, Nirvana and Rancid. I was really heavy into punk and grunge when I was 10 or so. And if I want to date myself even further, I remember rocking out to No Doubt’s “Tragic Kingdom” which was released in 1995. I came in and out of a couple of different musical phases then. I floated around for a while until my mother gave me a copy of John Mayer’s “Any Given Thursday” Live DVD for Christmas, subsequently the same year I began playing guitar. From that day forward John Mayer encompassed all and everything I wanted to be. Those previously mentioned bands were reasons for why I got into music, but John Mayer is definitely the reason I still PLAY music.
Have you ever found yourself driving with no destination? Talking and not reaching any point at all? Living one day after another with no purpose? There are times we fall asleep at the wheel, so to speak. Where are you going? Why? When? How? For who? They always say, “you’re missing the big…
There are definitely choices I’ve made in my life which I wound up being not so proud of. But none make me feel as empty and useless as burning through the days. I’m guilty of being a sloth, staying up all night and sleeping entire days away, relaxing a little too much and a little too long, hardly working when I know I should be working hard. There’s a lot you can do in 24 hours. And I think of how many days I can recall not accomplishing anything or taking the initiative and the necessary steps in a task in order to meet a goal. It’s selfish, really. And also very unfair to yourself. And that is the only way I can put it. A friend of mine lost her battle with cancer the day before her 20th birthday last month. I wonder what she would do with one more day here. I bet she wouldn’t spend it in bed.
How many people in this room are songwriters? Okay. So I’m gonna address us on a “songwriting” level for a moment. But before I do, I want to tell you the most important piece of information that applies, not only to your musical career, but your entire life. And I’ve seen it work and I’ve seen it not work. And it’s 100% true. The #1 thing you have to do before you set out on any other goal or any other course is to define your expectations. Number one thing. On the outset of any other project, record, tour - define your expectations.
Everyone in this room wants to “make it”. But I question how you would recognize “making it”. What is “making it”? Well, what do you want to be? Who in here wants a record deal? It would be nice to have a record deal, right? We want a record deal. Okay, well, what does a record deal look like? What does “making it” look like? Do you want to sell a million copies? Two million copies? Well, okay, let’s say - selling two million copies is like selling ten million copies 10 years ago. So let’s say you say to yourself, “My expectation is that I want to be an artist and I want to put records out and I want to sell millions of copies.” If that’s your expectation - GREAT. Then, you sort of skip straight to another questionnaire. If you answered “Yes” to “Do I want to be a Pop Star?” / “Do I want to make music for as many people as possible?” - now you have to, sort of, change your game to fit the expectation. You now have to wonder about “Is your song shorter than four minutes?”, “Do you get to your chorus fast enough?”. These are things you have to absolutely do. And you also have to compromise. And you also have to “play the game”, y'know?
Who in here thinks that the public is mostly dumb? Let me tell you something. The public is about 300 million times smarter than you. The pubic is not dumb. For those of you who said “Yes, I want to be a Pop Star” and “Yes, I would like to have a record deal” and “Yes, I’d like to make this happen”, the first thing you should know is that the public is always smarter than you. If you put a song out and you go *kisses fingers* “That’s it. That’s it! Watch it go! Light the fuse, stand back! Everybody stand back! It’s gonna be a hit! It’s gonna be a hit!” And it goes like this “FFFHHHHHHHMPP (fizzles out)” - Who is smarter than who? Your big, smart pop song went nowhere. The public just told you, “Ehhh..” They’re smarter than you on that one. ‘Cause you said you had it and they said “I don’t think so”. And you didn’t have it. So they’re smarter than you. That’s what you have to deal with. They’re smarter. And by defining your expectations, if you decide that you want to be a “Pop Star” - that’s not a dirty word. “Pop” just means “popular”. Frank Sinatra was a pop star. Jimi Hendrix was a pop star. Lot’s of people were pop stars. What kind of pop star? Lot’s of people are jazz musicians. What kind of jazz musician? You could define the genre anyway you want. So, if you said you wanted to be a pop star, you have to look at your songs.
There’s also people here who are a little dishonest about what they want to be. And, I think, if you want to be famous, if you want to make music for as many people as possible - just come out and say it. Don’t say, “Ahh, I wanna be indie. I’m just gonna be an independent artist,” and really secretly wish that you wanted to be a pop star. Because from the very beginning it’s disingenuous. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I want to play music for as many people as possible - without compromising the things that I have to be as an artist.” And that’s what I’ve done. Sony Music doesn’t come into the studio when I’m making a record, but I also know what’s gonna be a hit or what stands the chance of being a hit and what just doesn’t. And it’s a level of honesty with yourself that you have to have before you hand your music out to anybody else. So that’s sort of what I want to say about expectations.
If you only recognize success as a record deal and a big, fat “Publisher’s Clearing House”, over-sized Tiger Wood’s check, and a dinner and then going to the top of the roof and screaming, “I MADE IT!” - most of you will be stunning failures. I’ll tell you right now. I didn’t do it that way. But if you define success by putting out your first record and selling 5,000 copies and going to have sushi when you say, “Yeah, I got 5,000 copies” / “When I sell 5,000 copies, I’m gonna consider this a success.” That’s the difference between people who walk this earth happy and people who walk this earth constantly unfulfilled because they never defined the finish line.
– John Mayer, 2008 Berklee Songwriting Clinic
So, I’ve been doing some real soul searching lately. Looking back on where my life was and where it is now, for the last year and a half alone, really gives true meaning to “living and learning”. I’ve found that self-discoveries are not something that come like a light bulb suddenly illuminating above your head. In fact, they often come weeks or even months after something crucially considered occurs. For example, I never knew that I wanted to do music for the rest of my life the day I picked up a guitar. I didn’t know a year later, or even five. I think I began to “find myself” as a performer when I was 15 or 16, going out to weekly open mics at coffee houses and bar-restaurants around Long Island, signing up, and singing in front of perfect strangers. Things kind of snowballed from there. I was booking shows, pushing my own tickets, marketing myself, writing a record, tracking the record, putting out the record, marketing the record, playing bigger shows, playing out of state shows, playing sold out shows, opening for national touring acts locally, touring with national touring acts nationally - I could go on forever, but I was making pretty good time for an 18-year-old kid on the path to a career. And I was also having a great time doing it, and I still am - nearing 20.
But this isn’t about “my music career - (so far…)”. That is just an example of persistent change over an eighteen month period and where along the lines I learned a little something that pushed me to the next step. It’s funny how you can look backwards and only remember some of the cherished memories. It’s when I dissect who I was a year and a half ago that I realize all the lessons I had to learn along the way. All the people I’ve met. The floors I’ve walked across. The stages I’ve stood upon. The hands I’ve shaken. The pictures I’ve captured. The people I’ve accepted. The people I’ve rejected. The heart I broke. The heart of mine that was broken. The flights I’ve caught. The appointments I’ve made. The choice to leave some place. The choice to return to a place I once left. No matter who you are, you’re going to learn lessons along the line. Good or bad, they are all components that will make you who you are throughout and up to the very end of your life.
Self-discovery. It’s not really a question of “Who am I?” as much as “What makes me?” What have I discovered about myself? Well, we covered the music thing already. So, I’m an artist. A self-proclaimed one, but an artist at best. I’m a son. And a brother. I’m fairly independent. I’m definitely a romantic. And not the Hollywood-ized, “Prince-Charming-riding-in-on-a-white-horse, here-to-whisk-you-away-forever-and-ever” kind of romantic. More like a “It’s 3 AM, and you can’t stop crying because you don’t know why. ‘I’ll be right over.’” kind of romantic. Like the “Hey it’s Friday night and everybody’s out, but we’re in sweatpants on my couch having more fun than all of them combined” kind of romantic. Now, that kind of romanticism obviously needs to live in a world that exists between two people. Therefore, the relationship must have begun already. That is, if you’re open to it. Let’s rewind for a second. So, if I’m right (and I hope I am!), that means in order to get to that stage of comfort with someone, you would therefore have to get to know them on a more personal level. And under the surface we go!
So, what is it that you want? This varies from person to person, obviously. I’ve chalked it up, thus far, to “What do you search for?” vs. “Who do you search for?” Are you looking for a boy or a girl? Are they White? Black? Green? Are they plus-size, stick figure thin or do they fall somewhere in the middle? The interesting thing about all the above said qualities, is that they are all things neither us nor they can really control. I was born a white male. Something I had literally no control over. I was raised in a suburb on Long Island, a southeastern island of the state of New York which is just one of fifty states that make up the United States of America. Being raised here was not my choice. I was raised Catholic, though I am currently non-practicing. The country and area I live in is predominantly white-Christian. Once again, something I have no control over. I think you’re starting to get my point. I, and everyone else living on this Earth, are a result of circumstance for those things in which we cannot control. I am a result of the patterns of movement made by my ancestors that scale back centuries. And, ironically, these things that we have no control over are currently issues concerning some of the biggest social conflicts in the world.
Race. Creed. Sex. Locale. They make us different. They make us unique. Beautiful.
When the time comes for me to find a mate, ideally, I want her to be the farthest thing from me. I don’t want to marry someone who is so incredibly similar to me that we do everything alike. (Listen to the same music, like the same sports team, watch the same TV shows, eat the same foods) I want to gain from that person, appreciate their culture and learn from their livelihood. And I want to love them for who they are based on these components, not just love them for who they are. Are you following me? All I’m saying is if we are victims of our own circumstance, then we shouldn’t shut out people and opportunities based on “difference”.
Have you ever heard about some place you’ve never seen before? Some place you’ve never been? And you had this whole big picture in your head of exactly what it would be like, every little detail about it. Then you get there and it’s completely different, but not necessarily for the better or the worse. If you are one of those people who think you have it all figured out in your head and you’re gonna go to this school for so-many years and graduate with this degree and buy that house in this area and marry this “type of” girl/guy and have these many kids and that’s just how it will go, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Life doesn’t work like that. Nor does it conform in order to satisfy your every wish, hope and dream.
Personally, I feel this “ideal life”, this target system people have, is ultimately limiting. It is, in essence, deciding and dividing what you “like” and “don’t like”. You are taking a stance and making a statement. You have made up your mind before you even hit a topic. This scenario can be extremely limiting when finding a mate. Almost similar to the high school football player who only goes for the hot, blonde cheerleader and mentally blocks out the geeky brunette with the glasses in the AV club who could potentially be everything he needs. Socially? The jock and cheerleader work. But what is social status anyway? Just another man-made system in order to divide and separate people based on “differences”.
My mom told me this once: “No matter what she looks like, or what you think of her at first, always give a girl AT LEAST that one chance to sweep you off your feet.” Too many people, and I include myself in this, just write people off and block them out as quick as a second’s glance. Someone you pass while out in public. Someone you know literally nothing about, not even their name. You write them off. You mentally tag them. “Fat.” “Jew.” “Drunkard.” “Slut.” “Illegal.” “Ignorant.” “Poor." You know nothing about them. Not one thing. And already you’re throwing up one hand, turning your head as you close your eyes, saying "Nope. Not interested."
We have so many opportunities in this world to say "no”. But an even and equal amount to say “yes”.
I dedicate this to my Grandmother, Sarah Crawford. Someone who I had no control over having in my life, but I am thankful everyday and am forever be blessed to have had. R.I.P. 3/1/20 - 12/1/10
Anything and everything that ever made an astronomical impact on the way this world turns was once an intangible, tiny idea inside someone’s head.
I’m really thankful for music. In the span of my “musical life”, which I would define as beginning around the age of ten or so, it has been such a bridge to my feelings and my emotions. A connection to my heart on both the listener and the composer’s end. This is how powerful music is: You can feel a connection with someone (ie: the songwriter) that is so strong, it sends a chill up your spine and goosebumps along your arm. Their voice and lyrics have become something you inhale and respond, “Yes, I identify myself with that. And it means so much to me that you know this feeling, too.” The most amazing part is that you could have never met this person. Depending on their stature in society, if they exist in the realm of “celebrities”, they may have no idea you, individually, exist on this earth. I want to stick Brooklyn-native songwriter Kevin Devine, guitar slinger John Mayer and my friend Ross in my car - and I want to just drive around. (This time of night, too.) I just want to see the conversation that spawns and floats around between our ears and mouths. And although I’ve only met John Mayer briefly and Kevin Devine is someone who I get to brush elbows with every now and then, I just know, deep in my heart, that there would be supremely awesome conversation going on inside that moving vehicle.
Driving is something most people hate. But to me, driving is like therapy. When I’m feeling anxious or worried or I just need to clear my head and get out of the house, I get in my car and just drive. I think the automobile is an incredible tool. It can take you practically anywhere. The reason I think some people hate driving is because they associate it with things they naturally don’t want to do. (ie: driving to work, doing errands, rushing, rushing, rushing…) We’re always rushing in this world. Like there’s some imaginary finish line we need to cross. Sometimes it just helps to get in the car and drive. I hope I never lose that innocence - my love for driving around aimlessly. It seems like it’s something that can fade with age. I hope I’m wrong.
I was talking with an old friend tonight. She told me this: “I just need to move already and get out of my house, I feel like a nobody…I need to be involved and I have nothing to be involved with here." The first thing I did was stop her and say, "Listen, this is not your house’s fault." She also went on to specify that she needs to be involved in a college setting. I don’t believe college is the solution to as much as people think it is. I’m not saying it won’t help you to get where you want to be, if in fact, your career / your goals / your life’s dreams typically entail earning a college degree. But if you’re anything like my friend, you’re obviously unsatisfied with a few things in your life. And I think people often times chalk it up to really plain and simple solutions that don’t necessarily equate in the end. "If I just own this car.” “If I just go to this school.” “If I just own that watch.” “If I just move to this city.” “If I just wear these clothes.” “If I just fit this mold / this image.” “If I just write the songs that will make millions.” “If I just wear my hair the way the fans want me to wear my hair.” “If my band just signs with this record label.” “If I just wasn’t this way.” And, for some reason, the equation is supposed to conclude “happiness”, which still has yet to be proven. This idea of obtaining without ever being satisfied with where you are in the present is widespread and overwhelming in our culture. I’m just not buying into it anymore.
My friend then said “I think I’m just bored, that’s all.” Well, we all get bored sometimes. I get bored a lot. I spend a lot of time alone these days. But what it comes down to is finding happiness in whatever you’re doing at the time. I know it sounds corny, but it’s true. I’m happy lying here in my bed writing this blog, listening to my “Iron & Wine” vinyl records, driving around, giving guitar lesson, being up on stage, helping others, doing yard work, etc. Even though you may initially refute the idea of having to get up and do things you don’t want to do at the moment, you need to be happy that you CAN do them. Because there is a lot to experience out there, no matter where you are. It’s normal to want a change of scenery and it’s easy for your surroundings to appear stale when you get stuck in the grooves of routine. You can cue boredom right then and there. But, please, try to search for happiness in whatever you’re doing - for all our sakes.
“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” - Will Smith
These are some records I recently picked up that I think everyone should give a fair listen to:
“My musical experience - my musical life has never intersected with this, sort of, public application of media and press and stuff. Almost to my surprise. There were times when I felt so much heat on me from that other, sort of, glare that I went, "Are people gonna wanna come to the show? … People must be sick of pictures of me just walking around and ducking my head or hiding behind backpacks. It’s gotta be over!” And I would go on tour and there would be 25,000 people in Houston and not a single mention of it.
And I’ll also tell you this, in terms of the media: I went through an experience that killed my “super-ego”. Murdered it - dead. Stabbed 47 times. “John Mayer-”, as in John Mayer’s concept of John Mayer, “is dead.” Dead. And I miss it. ‘Cuz it was fun to be like *looks down and checks fingernails*, “I’m pretty much the shit.” But what was that? What was that image? What did I get out of that? Well, I got this sensation of people thinking I was cool. But who’s to say that even this “sensation of people thinking I was cool” was real? That just meant I went to blogs and people said, “Ahh, I like this guy.” and I’d shut it off and I went “Hey, people like me!” Or you go to a blog and they go “This guy’s a douchebag.” And you go, “Ohh.. God, I’m a douchebag.” None of it ever really mattered. And I have this new saying: If it happened on the internet, it didn’t happen. The internet’s just the internet. You don’t go somewhere on the internet. “Hey, go here on the internet!” Well, your ass is in a chair. You’re not going anywhere. So, what’s happened to me in terms of media stuff, which never killed the music, the music has never been at risk. I’ve never felt it, again to my surprise. You go on stage, you walk around. People go “I love your music!” People go “Hey, John-” and I go “Don’t tell me I- I..” and they go “I just want to tell you how much I love your music. I think you’re the best. Bye!” and I go “…Wow!”
So does that mean that what I think people think about me is always wrong? And this answer is “Yes!” What you think people think about you is always wrong. No matter how wrong it is, it’s always either a little bit wrong or all the way wrong. And all you can do, and all I can do now, *gestures to the area he is standing on the stage* is live right here. *Gestures to the audience* And right here. Not what somebody wrote and what comes up in a GoogleNews Alert. I’m not a slave to comments anymore. You know? Too many people have “comments”. And by the way, most of these people that have comments, if I ever went to their house with some sort of tracking device on what their IP number was and I’m like *knock knock knock* the door would open up and I would be expecting to see someone like this. *Head tilts and looks at ground* “Oh! Hey. What’re you nine? ..Ahh, so I heard that you said that I was a doucheba- Oh! You want me to sign that for you? … Yeah, we can get a picture!” It’s not really happening. All that matters is the people you meet, the friends you have, the lovers you have, your fans - the people who exist in your immediate space. You cannot control what happens in the ether. None of it’s real. None of it.“
– John Mayer at Berklee College of Music Songwriting Clinic, October 2008
I think it is perfectly normal to miss being a kid. I have a theory that everyone does. This is what my song “September” is about; the fear of growing older and losing life’s simplicity. The beauty of simplicity is interesting, in that it is something only noticed when you look back and say, “Wow, I really miss that.."
I’m not going to go into detail about what I miss specifically about my childhood, because it’s my childhood, not yours. I’m not trying to keep anything private. That would be redundant, anyway - this being a public forum.
Everything I write on here is unfiltered - and it’s totally subjective. For example, I had a lot of feedback from people who disagreed with certain aspects of my last blog, which is totally cool. In fact, I prefer to hear back from people with different angles. I don’t publish anything believing that I am speaking on behalf of all mankind. But, if you do agree with my original theory, then fill in the blank(s). Think about what you miss about the simpler times in your life. I know that might seem like a really unfair thing to do to yourself, especially if you’re someone who’s hit kind of a rough patch lately. But I feel there is a certain strength in nostalgia.
I lie here this morning on the floor of a friends apartment in Boston, MA, staring up at the ceiling as the sun begins to fill the spaces in between the vertical blinds. I’m catching my mind retreating backwards in time. 20 years flew by really quick. And I’m going to try and make something of today before I blink and another 20 pass.
The truth is that none of us really know anything about relationships. There aren’t enough therapists, prescriptions, “self help” authors and crystal balls in the world to cure heartbreak. And that’s O.K. because the world still spins after all is said and done. The best, and only, thing you can do is be cautious. Because you never really know. And when you finally think you know, you’re only going to feel doubly as misled when you find out later that you really didn’t know in the first place. And there’s no one to accurately put the blame on. Because when you get hurt, 99 times out of one hundred you’ll hear yourself say, “I never thought he/she could do this to me”. That’s the case, more times than not. Because, obviously, if you felt you were going to wind up getting hurt, you would have packed up your things and left a long time ago. It’s instinct.
So, where does that leave you? High and dry? Probably. Hopeless? At times. Frustrated? Definitely.
There’s no answer to the question “why” in this equation. It’s an internal debate left up to you and you alone.
Is the chase worth the catch?
CB
Greetings from the land of complete thoughts and a strong sense of self worth!
A lot of you are wondering why I decided to quit Twitter. And I’m ready to explain it to you now that I’m off Twitter and can explain anything in a salient manner. It occurred to me that since the invocation of…
Anything is possible. That’s the lesson I continue to learn over and over lately.
It is possible to find your goals, at a young age or even much later in life. It is possible to make others see the illuminating glow of that “little light that shines inside of you”. It is possible to fall in love. It is possible to lose that love. And it is possible fall back in love, over and over again. It is possible to turn an adversary to a friend. A friend to a best friend. A best friend to a mate. It is possible to mistake calculating undertones for genuine kindness. It is possible to lose respect for someone you once admired. And it is possible to lose someone altogether.
But with every departing wound, every fleeting “has been” relationship, every “bump in the road” that turns into a 10-car pile up. Every tear, hurt feeling and bad day - you take a little something from it. A callous on your heart. Knowledge for your conscience that you will apply at a later time. And the strength to get back up and carry on like you were meant to.
Be brave, little solider. Let that little light shine.
<3 CB
“So sing for the friend who left you before he ever had a clue. Sing for the girl or boy that’s standing right now next to you. ‘Cuz I have a feeling it all evens out. At the very end of your life you’re gonna sit down at the table, you’re gonna shuffle out the good and the bad. And it’s all gonna make perfect sense to you when you figure out the accounting books come up completely even. And then you’re gonna ask, "So, what was it all for?” and they’re gonna say “Well, you did it, didn’t you?” So, sing along with me if you will. It’s not an option. And don’t stop no matter what happens.“
– John Clayton Mayer
It’s a crying shame and you’ve changed so, so fast.
And every ounce of sympathy won’t make this last.
Just so you know, what you’re doing, it’s insulting.
And demeaning. To everything we’ve put into this.
All this time, all the love, all your tears. I was there.
This past year. It’s a shame you forgot so, so easily.
Just so you know.
“Who’s gonna rescue me from myself if you leave?
Oh, please believe me when I tell you I’m sorry.
You’re everything I need all at once to be at peace,
With the slow dying watching what I love disappearing.
Oh, please believe me when I tell you I’m sorry.”
If you asked me what I would consider my goals in life are, what my life revolves around, what do I strive to make for and of myself, typically, you’d get some flush answer about music and how art makes my world turn - which is true, please don’t misconstrue this. But the truth is that for the last year or so, my life has revolved around one person.
If there is one thing that this Tumblr account allows me to do it is to is let me be completely honest. No bull. Things I can’t can’t write on Facebook or a Twitter post, things I won’t divulge to you from up on stage. Things I may not be able to convey as best as I’d like to be able to when we’re having our heart-to-heart, driving around in my ‘95 Buick LeSabre, drinking Arnold Palmer’s, listening to a Rocky Votolato record.
I’ve learned a great deal about myself in this past year. I’ve made new companions, climbed new heights. I took risks that I was unsure of the outcome. And I felt love’s grace for the second time.
I gave all of myself to this one person. We did so much together. And when we were not together, everything I did was done with her in mind. So what do you do when you’ve given everything to someone who can’t be there anymore?
That’s the question I’m toying with today.
It’s gonna take some time.
- C
Kevin Devine, excerpt from “Keep Ringing Your Bell”
http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/cotton-crush/id61078231?i=61078148&ign-mpt=uo%3D4
So it’s been a while. I’m sorry. I’ve been neglecting the Tumblr world in general but I promise from here on out I’m going to keep up on the blog updates. So let’s catch up. Where to begin?
About a week and a half ago I had the honor and pleasure of playing at the historic Webster Hall in New York City. It was such a great experience. The venue was packed and nearly sold out. It was ton’s of fun and I know I’m going to keep the memory of that night with me forever.
I’ve been playing more shows since I left my life as a full time college student just under three months ago. I can see the progress my life as a musician has taken since I took that first big step of dropping out but I will never regret that I chose this path. I know this is going to be a long journey for me. I’m excited and scared altogether to see what is in store for me as a songwriter.
One cool experience I will always take with me is what happened to me last Friday night. Mikey Ballou and I traveled 300 miles to the great state of Connecticut to perform at this lovely girl Shayna’s surprise 17th birthday party. Her friends had asked me months in advance to play this party and I just couldn’t say no. Upon arriving at her friend Julia’s house on Friday afternoon (the location where the party would be held later that night), I was informed by the rest of Shayna’s friends of their plan to wrap me, given my consent, and given to the birthday girl. Their plan was to have me hidden in a large, decorative gift bag (with a hole cut in it so I could breath, obviously) and a large bow. Shayna would then enter the party, find her surprise party (SUPRISE!) and another local CT band, White Rose, would be stationed in the living room ready to perform. After WR’s first song, I was instructed to cough and make some kind of commotion from inside the bag. Shayna would then unwrap me and SURPRISE! (Surprise #2) Long story short, the surprises and party went off as a success. Mikey and I performed an intimate acoustic set some of my songs in the host’s living room, spectated by 15 of Shayna’s closest friends. We had pizza and cake and soda pop. It was all around a fun, successful night! Definitely a lot of “firsts” for me as a musician.
It’s been almost a year since the release of my EP “September” but I’m already working on several new songs for a record I plan to put out by June/July. I’m really excited. The sound I’m working with is different but a better, more mature sound. I feel that the songs I’m writing now reflect my growth as a songwriter in the past year.
Tomorrow, it’s off to CT again, this time with the full band, for a show in Burlington. I’m having the time of my life!
Be loving and take care of eachother.
-CB
I think I have a problem with staying stationary. I love getting in my car at all hours of the night and just driving around to different places. Long Island is very scenic though many people don’t realize just how many little gems exist here that are in arms reach.
Tonight I took a 2 ½ hour drive to Hamden, CT to go see my good friend Ryan Cabrera perform at this homely looking venue called The Space. Really cool venue. Matt Lowell opened. He’s great. And his song is featured on the show “Rescue Me”. In between sets, Matt and I struck up conversation and shared tour stories. We’ve crossed paths with many of the same artists including Ryan, The Kin, and Lucas Carpenter. He even went to Berklee, my dream school where I’ll be starting my online classes in a few weeks. Matt’s a really talented guy with a big heart. You should totally go check him out.
Ryan had a really great set as usual. Teenage girls just love him to death. And he is a very lovable guy. After the show I had my options to sort through whether or not I was going to stick around in CT with the guys (I think they were planning on going to some bar) but all in all, I just decided to trek back to Long Island.
I really love driving and seeing places and things I pass along the road. That’s part of the reason I love touring so much. But now I’m home on my couch and I wanna head back out. Late at night I drive past places I used to spend a lot of time growing up at. I usually head down to this marina on the north shore of Long Island. I park my car, look out on the water and just think. A lot’s been weighing on my mind lately. Serious stuff, not music related either. Been feeling blue. Maybe it’s the weather. I don’t know. I just feel out of place and out of touch. Worrying about choices I’ve made and how they’ve come to bite me in the ass. That’s just currently. That spot is saved for all kinds of moments and I savor it for that. It’s some special “me” time and I think I’m gonna go do that now.
Zippering up my jacket as I type this while you’re all normal and sleeping.
Big love,
CB
Today is December 31st, 2009: the last day of the year & the last day of the decade! Wow. That’s simply insane! I remember Y2K and all the media craze involved during the period of time preceding it. I think you know you’re growing up once you can clearly remember events that took place over a decade ago. I’m 97% sure I slept through the ball drop back in 2000. Hey, I was eight - leave me alone.
Aside from thinking back a whole decade, I’m more prone to thinking back to just last year. Had you told me on January 31st, 2008 that in the following year I would have released my first CD worldwide, toured twice, once with Ryan Cabrera, met John Mayer and dropped out of college, I would have said you were crazy. But all of that is factual. And I’m glad it is. I couldn’t be more satisfied with how many of the events that occurred this year panned out. The only thing left to do now is to keep the momentum and keep moving forward. It’s an absurdity what can be conceived in a year’s time. It makes you believe that almost anything is possible.
So, tonight, we’ll celebrate in the ringing in of a new year and a new decade. Happy to have you all along with me for the ride. Here’s to all of you.
CB
Typically, I like to keep my blogs music oriented. I won’t deny that sometimes personal tidbits end up in here every now and then that aren’t necessarily part of my life as a musician. So, please, forgive me beforehand. Either way you look at it, this is a personal account and everything I write is from the heart.
I realized a long time ago that you can’t change people. Oh, you can alter them and nag them to change finer details about their character that peeve you or better suit you. But ultimately, a person is their own and they belong to themselves. And although a year or two ago, what I felt like would help just wasn’t feasible because people don’t always bend the way you want them to. I tried to make someone bend in my past. I tried to make her fine tune certain aspects that I felt were beneficial to both of us. Regardless if they were, it’s just too hard to change someone and it’s much easier to get bent out of shape when you’re trying to change them all the time. You’ll just have to accept that your personalities clash and your situation is no different from anyone else’s. Yes, I did realize that a long time ago. But now I’m really starting to grasp it. I’m really starting to understand it.
I don’t really know what I’m getting at here. This was just on my mind this morning.
5:40 AM, December 17th, 2009. In a couple of hours, I’ll have all my things packed in my car. I’ll hand in my withdrawal form to the student affairs office. I’ll turn in my residence hall key as well as the key to my room. I’ll remove my John Mayer poster from the wall - more carefully this time. I’ll say good-bye to Dylan, one of the best roommates I could have ever asked for. Then, I’ll get in the car with Vin, the other greatest roommate in the world, and say good-bye to college forever.
For most everyone I know, this is Winter break. Time to see the family, take a breather and some time off. Reconnect with old friends. Take a vacation. Pause life for a little while. It’s so different for me, though. Life starts now.
Everyone’s been asking me about my “next step”. “What’s your next step, Cor?” “What’re you gonna do now?” That’s the hardest question to answer in the world. I don’t really know where to start. As much as I want to hop back in a van again and tour more of the country, I know that I have some much needed ground to cover before that ground is covered. And it’s gonna take some time. Just be patient with me, I promise, we’re gonna pull through this together.
Let me clarify before I say anything else that I don’t regret going to college. I did my best to go in with an open mind and a big heart. I won’t necessarily say I gave it my all and I won’t admit to going to every class that I was expected to. I won’t say it was the best choice of school for me. And I won’t say it was the best experience of my life. But it was an experience.
I think I’ll look back on my time spent at Purchase College as an eye-opening experience for me as a person and a songwriter. I’ve finally set my priorities straight. I’ll admit I did a lot of complaining and moaning at times when I thought I was sick of this place and just done with everything that had to do with formal education. But I had a strong support system behind me, being my parents and close friends, pushing me through with words of encouragement, constantly telling me I could do it - and I did it! I truly don’t think I would have done it without them and I know that sounds cliche but that’s just how it is.
I want to go home and get the ball rolling. My parents are giving me this opportunity to pursue this dream that often times looks crazy. And I’m sure I often look crazy to them. It takes a lot for a parent to let their child, especially their youngest & their last, take a leap of faith like this. Not many aspiring musicians my age ever get that opportunity and clearance from their parents that I have been granted and to be quite honest, I’d feel pretty selfish not taking this shot, on behalf of aspiring musicians. My parents are letting me live and they have, from what I can see, a bit of faith in me. So if I ever do “make it”, whatever you classify that as, I owe everything to them.
If you don’t know me too personally, you probably aren’t aware that my parents split when I was three years old. So, this decision took a lot of time and discussion on both sides. I took the initiative to address it to them both individually. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a struggle or a fight for dominance in the situation. Both of my parents hit common ground in explaining to me, quite similarly, that being happy is the most important thing there is and to never stick around in a situation in which you are unhappy. I’ve taken advice from them before during times I’ve felt stuck when I was younger and more naive and this was always a recurring piece of advice from them both. If there is one thing I want you to walk away with after reading this, it is that token of advice from my parents. Take it and apply it to everything you possibly can. Trust me, you’ll be a better person when you’re happy.
The future scares me and excites me altogether. And I’ve realized that more recently than ever. So, from today forward I’m going to narrow my span of time I’m looking forward to. I don’t want to be “past Corey” or “future Corey”. I want to be whoever Corey is today. My head works better when its not clouded and perplexed. I’m gonna take baby steps onto the right path instead of sprinting down the wrong one. So, if you still want me to answer that question on what my “next step” is, well, right now I’m gonna crawl back into my small, often uncomfortable extra long twin sized bed, lay my head on my pillow and call it a day. Tomorrow, well, that’s another story.
It’s Day 1.
-Cor
Since my last post, much has changed. I’ve met new musicians who play beside me. I’ve been working steadily on new songs. I’ve been embracing life with no shame. I’ve made do with traveling and playing shows while juggling this first semester at this weird place called “college”. Over all, you could say I’m a pretty happy camper. Still, one thing has not changed and that is my love for music. I’ve come to terms that I need to leave this place. I’ve been at Purchase College just over three months now and I really can’t complain with the experiences I’ve had and lovely new friends I’ve met since I moved away from home. The most explicit factor is that I won’t be attending another school next semester. Making such a big decision at such an early point in my life is scary and I know this. I’ve listened and heard others advice and I’ve taken the most viable amounts of it into account. But I also know that I know myself better than anyone. And I know I work best when I don’t have a thousand other people in my head. I needed a clear head. And my clear head is telling me what my next step is.
I leave Purchase in about two weeks and from there on, it’s game time.
Let’s do this.
CB
September has come and passed. I have nearly completed my first month as a first semester college student. This is not a landmark for me. It’s more of a monumental breaking point. In the past few weeks, I’ve gotten to experience a lot of the infantile stages of a college student. I’ve met new people. Really nice, new people. I go to a school with an esteemed reputation for its programs and its alumni. I live 25 minutes from a city that is the mecca and the hub of the cultural world. You could say I’ve got it all mapped out. I’ve got some big plan up my sleeve. And I’m just going to surprise everyone one day. The truth is, this wasn’t what I asked for. I thought it was, but its not. I know what I feel is real and I know that given the chance, I could flag it down and wrestle with it for a while, hopefully coming back with the prize between my teeth and an accomplished look in my face. The truth is, I don’t have it all planned out. And it scares the hell out of me and excites me at the same time. There is a certain comfort in conformity but that only lasts so long. Call it cliche. Call me presumptuous. Tell me I’m a dime a dozen. Call it what you will, but I have a purpose. There is a reason for me. There is a reason I’m up at 4 AM while everyone is tucked in and sound asleep in their bunks, but I’m awake typing this to probably no one. At the same time I’m heavily dreaming. I don’t want to say I’ve lost myself for a bit, but more like I gave myself a shot. I didn’t have big faith in it but that’s what made this an experiment. I baited the hook, threw it out there and waited for a bite. Now, I’m reeling in. I’ve done a lot of self examination and I finally hear it clearly in my head as if it were my own mother’s voice, telling me “Corey, you’re a performer”. And that’s what I am. I am songwriter. A singer. A dreamer with bigger dreams than you could imagine. I stepped away from it for a while. I tried to conform. Not conform in the sense that I stopped believing in my dream, but to see if I could fit my dream in with this so-called lifestyle. Truth is, this dream is too big to just be squeezed into a schedule with a time frame. It just doesn’t work that way. This dream is life. The life I was born to live and the shoes I was sized up to fill. I just need to slip ‘em on. Everything else is just secondary. What I’m trying to say is I miss it and I can’t do this anymore. The stage is where I live and I’m homesick. So, I’m going to ask you..
Can I, please, come home?
Cor
In the past week, I’ve faced a lot of change. I packed up my necessities and moved to a new home. This new residence is the Crossroads res. hall @ SUNY Purchase. I’ve been making new friends and learning from a different living environment. For those who know me well enough, I’m not the craziest about formal education. But we’ll see where this takes me. This has been a huge transition from my near care-free Summer life on Long Island, NY. I am still so focused on writing and marketing myself, thus clarifying that this will not hinder my life as a singer-songwriter at all. Please frequent this blog for all unfiltered dirt coming straight from the horses mouth.
I love all of you. Thank you so much for the support.
Cor
This is a short clip from a song I’ve been working on called “Virginia”. It’s just a demo so spare me on the quality of the recording (& the fake drums). I should be wrapping up this song in the next few weeks. It’s still got some kinks. It’s different in the sense that it is one of the more poppy songs I’ve written with a big, deep meaning behind it. I’m just mixin’ and matchin’.
I am officially home from the first leg of my first tour ever. It didn’t feel long, because it wasn’t long. Yet, everyone is asking questions like I’ve been gone for years and I’m just supposing that shows that they care where the hell I’ve been. Which is great! :)
I missed home. I missed everyone. I find it hard now to say that all I need in this life are my music and my best friends. Aside from not having my family on the road, I noticed I was lacking so much and having some homesick thoughts deep inside. Being on the road helped me realize how much I do love Long Island, no matter how much I’ve bashed it in the past. I missed my bed and my hot bedroom with no AC. But at the same time, I miss open highways and the hotel soirees with my band.
I’m ready to start looking forward to the future. I feel that I’ve been walking on very uneven, uncertain ground lately as a songwriter. Almost like a balance beam or shattered ice across an arctic tundra. I think that it is my mind telling me not that I am unbalanced but more that I am afraid to slip and fall. That is weird, since the last song I wrote was “Don’t Let Me Fall”. I’m going to stop treating my approaching lifestyle as a college student like a curse. Lots of successful and famous people attended college, especially the one I’m going to. I leave in about 18 days but I’m going to keep my head up. I’ve got my best friend as one of my roommates and I really shouldn’t complain about that.
Although I’m looking to the future, I’m going to try and not worry about it too much. I’ve decided that I’m going to live my life in the “now”, day by day. Not the past. Not the future. I’m going to stop worrying about college holding me back in the future and worrying about life ahead on the road as a musician. I’m going to turn the focus off writing about the past. There are some painful and happy memories back there. Right now, they need to stay back there. I’m saving ‘em for another time. “September” was all about my past. “Right now” is about “Corey - now”. I kind of want to be ambiguous about my writing. Not vague, but no specific theme or focus on what I’m writing about collectively. Just write.
Dan Young from This Providence texted me tonight. He wants to hear the “September” EP. I hope he likes it! At the very least, I hope he’ll critique it and give me some good feedback. He is a brilliant songwriter!
So, that’s where I am now in my life. On this day. August 10th, 2009 @ 9:56 PM. I’m going to leave you with a quote from Dan’s blog that I read tonight which I am totally identifying myself with currently.
“It’s good to anticipate things, but not to the point where you neglect to appreciate the here and now.” - Dan Young
Cor
We are on the road to Pennsylvania. But where to begin? On Thursday morning, I woke up anticipating these next few days. My neighbor, Bill, kindly agreed to let my band and I use his 1999 Chevy AstroVan for tour. It has well over 250,000 miles on it, a passenger seat window that doesn’t roll down, a door that doesn’t open, a dented sliding door that needs some extra lovin’ shoulder push to open, no right side view mirror, a cracked windshield, a radio that doesn’t technically work, a broken fuel gauge and hardly enough room for five 18 year old guys to cram guitars, amps, drums, merch, two cases of Arnold Palmer and themselves into. I brought Ross along to sell our merchandise at the venues. Our first stop was Cafe Arabica in Hackensack, NJ. The show was so-so. But the night was incredible. We had the chance to meet up with some old friends we had made in June when we played with Ryan Cabrera in Allentown, PA. Joey D’anna and Jon Gambino were the two guys who we met there. They wound up coming back to the hotel room 20 minutes from the venue in Wayne, NJ. We sang and laughed and played guitar ‘til 4 A.M. The guys and I planned on making a 9 A.M. ETD so we could make it up to our next show at Knapp’s Underground in Bennington, VT with time to kill. I knew before I opened my eyes this morning that we had missed that early morning goal when I heard Mike Romano roll over in bed and say, “Well, so much for leaving at 9.” It was almost 11. We rushed around, crammed into the van again and started the 225+ mile trek to Bennington. I had been driving this whole tour thus far. The miles went fast. Ross was my co-pilot. We got up there at about 3:30. Immediately, Ross and I saw what others may see as a dusty used book store as a treasure chest filled with hours of fun possibilities only sent from the heavens above. Bennington is a small town. Essentially, everything the town offered was located on Main St. - from the venue to where we ate lunch to where the hotels we were planning on checking out. After a hearty hoagie lunch at the local brewery, Ross and I ventured over to that used bookstore. Inside, we split up for a good hour, panning rows of dusty shelves and cranking our necks so we could read the vertical titles. I wound up leaving with a copy of selected pieces by Earnest Hemingway. The show wound up being fun and we made some new friends. Our set sounded tight. But the small town lifestyle was not cutting it for us. We decided not to stay in Bennington and we hit the road by 11:30 P.M., but not before we had a run in with a local police officer. One thing you ought to know about Bennington is that they LOVE moose. There were moose statues EVERYWHERE in Bennington. On our way out, the band and I hopped on top of one and posed while Ross snapped a picture. A local police officer pulled up, got out of his car and kindly said, “Can’t have you sittin’ on the moose, boys.” We apologized and he clarified that he didn’t think we were any trouble once he saw that it was just a photo op. He also proceeded to point out that I was far too clean cut looking to be any real trouble. Thanks, officer. So, we packed into the van and began heading to Albany. The streets of downtown Albany were desolate by 1 A.M. with the exception of a few bars. We didn’t spend much time in Albany at all. By 1:30, we all agreed that it was best to begin driving straight through the night to Bloomsburg, PA, where we’ll be playing in about 16 hours. Ross took over driving. I’m sitting co-pilot. Mike Curley’s feet smell. Everyone’s quiet or sleeping. It’s now 3:30 and we’re about to hit the PA border. I love music. I love my band. I love my best bud. I love life on the road.
Cor
Current song: “Vultures” by John Mayer
Tomorrow, I embark on probably the longest, most adventurous consecutive days of my life thus far. Tomorrow, I will have my guitar(s), equipment, clothes, best friend Ross and, most importantly, my band packed into a van and we will be hitting the open road on my first OFFICIAL tour. I couldn’t be happier. My band is the most important aspect to me as a songwriter. I would literally be crap without them. I love them all collectively and individually. I want to also take this time to express my gratitude to my friends and family for their unwavering support. Tonight, I looked out in the crowd and saw a familiar face - my mother. Every show, she’s there. Front and center. Singing and bobbing along to the songs of mine she is oh, so familiar with. She loves it. And she’s proud of me. And I love her. She is the greatest mom, ever. I’m sorry if you’re reading this and disagree, but - seriously - yo mama just don’t compare! She won’t be able to come on the road with us. I’m a big boy now and big boys don’t cry - or bring their mom on tour. But all kidding aside, all I could think of was, “Damn, I’m gonna miss that on the road.” She honestly deserves like a holiday or a cuddle for being so freakin’ supportive. On a more solemn note, my grandfather is in the hospital. I won’t go into detail about anything but, I ask you to please keep him in your thoughts.
On a more happy note, tomorrow we will be in Hackensack, NJ. The first official night of tour. Tonight was the tour kick off show here at the Vibe Lounge. I’m gonna miss you, Long Island, but it’s time for me to spread my wings and fly away for a bit. I’ll be back.
Cor
Sometime around 3:30 AM, I started working on a new song. It was so pleasantly unexpected. I love the feeling when a new song idea hits me and I find myself scrambling around for paper and a writing implement. This song is fitting together, at least lyrically, like puzzle pieces. I feel like I’m not going to know exactly what it’s all about ‘til I paste in the last sentence of the final draft and step back to observe it. That’s when I’ll get it. It’s like my mind is on ghostwriter. I didn’t begin writing this song from the first line, like I normally would. I started with little tidbit lines that were catchy. Pretty much the hook line(s) of the song were written down first. It’s exciting. But I took a break from it because I noticed I was forcing out lines again and I wanna wait it out for the next good line to come to me. I would rather wait two years for that next line rather then force out a line that is devoid of substance just to fill the empty space in the lyrical structure. That’s the thing about being a writer, a poet, a songwriter, etc. you have to be brutally honest with yourself and say, “C'mon, man, you can think of a better line than that..” It is so easy to just scribble anything down but it is the true and honest verse that will give your writing that sparkle that you can identify yourself with to make you the author.
Today is August 4th, 2009: Officially one of my last days home for the summer. Tomorrow, my band and I have a going away show before we leave for tour. The days following tomorrow will consist of playing shows in NJ, VT, PA & CT. I’m really excited to play in different cities and see what the road has in store for me. This is all I’ve ever wanted.
Cor